God’s Big Experiment With Job And Satan
God did this really big experiment around 2200 BC.
He had this stellar superstar son. Like, this trophy child. His name was Job.
This man was blameless and upright… He had seven sons and three daughters, and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.
—Job 1:1-3
Job was like everything. I mean this dude was like earth, wind, fire, water, metal, crystal AND FLOWERS. He had mastered every force within him and was like the sansei tai-chi guru avatar of the human race. He was basically… the best greatest man among all he people of the east.
And one day Satan tells God, “I can haz Job?” Meaning, can I crush him? I like to crush the pretty ones.
God is like, “You cannot crush him. He’s indestructible.”
Satan is like, “But can I try? I wants to try, okay?”
God said, “You will be not able to destroy my son. He has my DNA.”
Satan said, “What, are you made of? 100% industrial grade rubber? If this dude is hoo-man, he can be crushed and pulverized.”
God said, “Probably not.”
Satan said, “Okay. What ifs…. I slime him? I cover him in slimes and gross yucky stuff.”
God said, “He will overcome.”
Satan said, “What ifs… I kill all his kids and kills all his animals and kills all his houses and just leave his crappy jealous friends who make fun of him?”
God said, “He will suffer. But he will not be crushed.”
Satan is like, “What are you? Elon Musk? Every design, no matter how well-thought out— has some kind of flaw and I will find it.”
God said, “It’s not how I designed him. It’s how I combined him.”
Satan said, “What?”
God said, “I made him so that you can combine him with any element— including evil— and he will not be crushed. He will merely change forms.”
Satan said, “Well, what if I poop in his oatmeal?”
God said, “Nope.”
Satan said, “Okay! New rules. You—“ and points right into God’s nostrils, “are not allowed to be nice to him when I slime him. You have to go on vacay and not answer of any of his calls.”
The Lord asked Satan, “Have you thought about my servant Job? No one in the world is like him! He is a man of integrity: he is decent, he fears God, and he stays away from evil. And he still holds on to his principles. You’re trying to provoke me into ruining him for no reason.”
—Job 2:3
God said, “Even if I— God, the father and the mother of the universe— turn my back on my own child, even then, you cannot crush him. His soul will survive even this.”
Satan said, “What is he like equal to you, God? Who can outrank you?”
God said, “He is made in my image. There is nothing he can do to go against who he is. He is — who he is.”
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
—Genesis 1:27
Satan said, “What ifs… I take away his career and make him get a job as a valet parking guy— like he has to park donkeys for a living?”
God said, “I doubt that will make him forget who he is.”
Satan said, “But he will be poor. He will lose all his hair. He will be ugly smugly and people who once treated him like da highest of the high, will treat him like the lowest of the lowww…”
God said, “I mean, try it, but I don’t think it’s gonna work.”
Satan said, “Deal!”
So Satan, all hyped out on crystal meth, goes to Job’s house and he wipes out everything, including his whole family. Job is left sitting there tattered with his skin covered in boils. He has a sprained ankle, a dislocated vertebrae, zits all over his face.
Satan left the Lord’s presence and struck Job with painful boils from the soles of his feet to the top of his head.
—Job 2:7
Satan is giggling. “This is great!” See, I took God’s golden child and poured EVIL all over him.
God waves his finger and motioned to Job. Satan takes a good look. Job is there and his heart— after all of that— is not tarnished. It is still gleaming gold.
Satan throws some more acid on Job.
The fire of God fell from heaven and burned up the sheep and the servants… Your sons and daughters… are dead.
—Job 1:1-3
Job— even though his bones break and his skin bleeds— his heart remains pure solid gold.
Satan sends Job’s friends over to make fun of him and insult him while he’s down. Job cries, but his heart remains pure gold.
Satan knocks on God’s office door.
God is like, “Come in!”
Satan is like, “The hate I give… kinda made all the outside stuff— like his house, his health, his wealth dissolve— but it made his heart even more shiny.”
God said, “Well, that light coming out of his heart— is eventually going to regenerate every other part of his body and his life— it will actually grow a new body, a new life, a new family, a new empire, a new set of friends…“
Satan is like, “Wait wait wait! What???”
God said, “Yeah, like what you did was exfoliate the outer layers— and it looks bad now, but it actually stimulates the collagen in the skin and it regrows back even prettier than before.”
Satan is like, “He’s going to be better looking, richer, happier, wiser, healthier, smarter, more successful after this?”
God’s like, “Yeah.”
Satan is like, “What the heck, man? What is the purpose of evil if I can’t destroy anybody?”
God is, “Well… Yeah. All you did was reveal the hidden truth underneath. Did you see him?”
Satan is like, “Yeah… Some stray cat came and tilted its head in pity at him— and he started sobbing. He was sooooooo grateful that the cat showed sympathy that his heart started glowing and poured out all this light into the world. This guy who has nothing has light pouring out of him like a fountain… and he’s like a bum on the sidewalk covered in dust and ashes.”
God is like, “Told you.”
Satan is like, “So humans can be combined with evil— and it just makes them better?”
God is like, “You can destroy everything in his life, but you cannot destroy his faith. His faith may no longer look like riches and health. It may look like a dirty stray cat from now on.”
Satan is nodding in agreement, “He looked like an ad for Unicef with that cat staring at him with eyes of love and pity. If I did a gofundme, right now, I could raise $2 million for this guy in 48 hours.”
God is like, “Job used to make everyone envious— jelly jelly Jealous. Everyone thought he was a superhero. The golden swan. They hated him because he was a successful, good looking, blameless, upright, loving, and peaceful man. They hated him. As soon as you threw evil on him— you made the whole world pity and love him. He was worth $1billion. After you throw evil on him and do that gofundme— he’s going to be worth $2 billion and win the Nobel Peace Prize, the Pulitzer, an Academy award and marry a hot wife who is the president of her own nation.”
The Lord restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.
And the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning; for he had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 yoke of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys. He had seven sons and three daughters.
—Job 42:10-17
Then, God looked Satan in the eye and said, “You blew him up. He’s da bomb. I made him famous. You made him infamous. That is the purpose of evil. The purpose of evil is to take someone who is good— and make them GREAT.”
