Broken Dream
I remember when I entered Time Out. When I was in 8th grade, the elders at my church told me that women did not have the authority to preach the word of God. I was born to preach.
I fought the patriarchy for 7 years and lost. On that 7th year, my father died of cancer. I had the power to heal. When I could not heal him, I lost my faith.
And I went into Time Out… for 26 years. The moment I couldn’t do what I was born to do, I felt my soul hover like a dove in the sky and then plummet down to earth, breaking both her wings. It happens. Dreams get broken.
You know what I did in Time Out? I had a great time. I had this gorgeous body as a youth and I laid on the beach in a bikini. I studied all the religious traditions. I spent all my money on books. I lived in monasteries and ashrams. At one point, I had like 16,000 boyfriends. I mean— I was basically living The Life, a fabulous life— it just wasn’t my life.
I was always a student of a spiritual teacher, the arm candy of a hot athlete, a care taker for the sick. I was always supporting someone else’s life, I was never supporting my own life. That’s what happens when you have a broken dream.
Time Out.
Focus on anything or anyone but yourself. Focus on making everyone else’s dream come true— so that I don’t have to focus on my own broken dream.
Masks
I love Time Out. I still fantasize about it. I mean who doesn’t love a good Time Out? Another word for Time Out is Me Time. Me me me.
Me is not the same as “I.” I— is my connection to God, my soul. Me— is my connection to me, my ego.
When you can’t get what you really want— do you know what you do? You replace it with five things that you don’t really want, but you know what? It fills a void.
I’m an emotional over eater. What I really crave is connection and intimacy. But when I can’t get that— a pizza, potato chips, and chocolate ice-cream will do the trick.
When my soul longed to fulfill her dream— you know what? 16,000 boyfriends, a blue bikini, and a stint in a monastery will do the trick. I spent years filling in the void of my broken dream.
The ego is full of ideas. I love the ego. It’s such a positive thinker. It’s like, “Don’t worry— I have 10,000 things you can replace that with. You don’t have to get what you really want… you can have all these other things instead.” That’s what I did in Time Out.
I replaced what I really want— with 10,000 things that I didn’t want.
It did the trick for 26 years. On the 27th year, I got booted out of Time Out. God tagged me, and said, “Time in!”
And I was like, ‘Oh crap….”
God was like, “Isn’t that your dream? To do what you were born to do?”
I was like, “Hey, um, God, Listen… I forgot… like… why I even—“
God was like, “I know. You forgot.”
I was like, “Yeah. What did I forget? I forgot what I forgot.”
God was like, “You forgot the whole reason why you entered Time Out in the first place.”
I was like, “Yeah. And now that I’ve been here for 26 years, you know what? I’m used to it. It grew on me. I think—“
God interrupted me and said, “Vic-ster. Time in! Tag. You’re it.”
I’m like, “What am I?”
God’s says, “You’re a preacher.”
I’m like, “When?”
God’s like, “Now.”
Now is always the perfect time… to TIME IN….to who you really are. It’s just kind of shocking when you’ve been in Time Out for a while.
TIME IN
When you’re in Time Out, duh, you’re taking time out… from who you really are. That’s the whole point of time out. That’s what I tried to tell God. I said, “I’m in Time Out.”
God said, “Now, you’re IN… TIME… You’re TIMING IN… to who you really are. Vic, you’ve lost your timing. You gotta get back into the timing… of who you really are. There is no time in the Garden of Eden. It’s eternal, that’s why you were in there for 26 years. In the wilderness, TIME is a gift.
Time is your gift, Vicky Lee.
This time, right now— is your gift. Your time — in the wilderness— is a gift. I am giving you the gift of — time. Spend this time— following your dream. This is your time.
Your time in the Garden of Eden was someone else’s time.
Your time in the wilderness— is your time. It’s time just for you.”
I’m like, “Duh. I’m all alone out here in the wilderness.”
God said, “I isolated you on purpose. So that you would focus on you… cuz there’s nothing else to focus on.”
Please write this in your journal and share your thoughts in comments:
My time in the Garden of Eden was someone else’s time.
My time in the wilderness belongs solely to me. It’s my time… to focus on myself.
