A Story of Temptation
Today’s bible story is the story of temptation.
What Really Happened
So let me break this down for you— what really happened in the desert there. The angels were there, the whole time watching over Jesus… huddling up, keeping out of sight. They were like, “Shhh!” to each other. “Keep a low profile.”
Jesus hasn’t eaten in 40 days. He’s sitting all alone in the desert by his lonesome self.
Satan arrives on Day 40…whoosh— ultra confident— he’s wearing Louboutin heels, long cape, accented cheekbones for drama… then of course, he has to unfurl his glossy ebony wings— I mean who wouldn’t. In that glaring desert sun, his wings gleam like metallic black titanium.
Satan lands like a velvet cougar in front of Jesus.
Jesus is starving— Sadly, too hungry to notice Satan’s outfit. Satan, pauses. Waits for Jesus to notice his outfit. Jesus is slumped over with his tongue hanging out.
Satan is like— SIGH!!!! He goes up to Jesus and he’s thinking, “Oh you’re such a loser. Look at me— I can make you a winner. I mean, I have all the labels— I have an Apple Watch, Sheseido chapstick SPF 30, REI underwear, I have a self-driving Tesla.”
“Question!!!” Satan asks Jesus, “Did your mom make your clothes?” Then, he checks him— up and down— “that doesn’t look couture, but it doesn’t look off the rack either.”
Now, it’s very difficult to carry a conversation with a starving person. Because they really don’t care — I think Satan should have opened the conversation with bagels. Pizza, fried chicken, coconut cream pie. But he blew it, you know what I mean— because Satan, being tone deaf because he lacks empathy, didn’t understand that Jesus was HANGRY. I mean he didn’t eat for 40 days. He’s hangry.
Satan takes Jesus up to the tallest peak in the world. Does he show him the buffet at Caeser’s Palace in Las Vegas? No. He shows him— Dubai. Like a bunch of billion dollar high rises— you can’t eat any of that. Like, Jesus doesn’t care. It’s not made of chocolate. It’s metal.
When you’re hungry, you really don’t care about anything that’s not edible. Needless to say, Jesus was NOT tempted.
Nothing Satan showed him had a single calorie. He showed him power and glory, and majesty and authority, forever and ever. Dude, he should’ve showed him a bagel. I swear— one bagel. With cream cheese and smoked salmon.
If I was the Prince of Darkness, you know— I would’ve gone there with my own food truck, and snacks— coming out of my pockets. And I would have smeared myself with caramel sauce and cookies. Like I would’ve smelled like a muffin.
But Satan— his biggest mistake— which is shameful, because now we can all read it in the Bible— he tried to tempt Jesus with NO CARBS. Zero carbohydrates. He went full keto and paleo. That’s not how you tempt people who are HANGRY. The problem is— Satan doesn’t have heart. Without heart, you’re not street smart.
Cuz any one of us— here— knows, on Day 39, we would have been baking. On Day 40, show up in the desert and FEED THE MAN. Break his fast. Like all of us know— snacks— Satan should have brought snacks.
But oh no, on Day 39, Satan is out in his driveway polishing the Tesla, getting out his diamond tennis bracelet, uploading pics of him and Beyonce on TikTok— and Jesus doesn’t care about any of those things— coming off of a 40 day fast. He just wants a glass of orange juice. Seriously.
You know what the definition of sin is? Missing the mark. Satan is just not even close. Not a single granola bar.
At first, the angels and God were very very worried. They saw Satan flying in from hell, and they were like— “Oh no. Jesus is very weak. Should we help him?” And they waited to see what would happen.
After about 15 seconds, they were like— Oh. He has no snacks.
The Greatest Story of Temptation in the Bible
This is the greatest story of temptation in the whole bible. All the prophets were asking God, “Jesus won’t eat for 40 days? Aren’t you worried that he will be tempted?”
God’s like, “Nooooo… I’m sending Satan to do the job of a pastry chef. Satan’s like a 1980’s supermodel, he doesn’t even have human flesh. He eats crystal meth for breakfast.”
Satan, has 75 million Instagram followers. Jesus has 12.
Jesus is sooooo hungry. So hungry.
Satan is like, “Do you want a Tesla?”
Jesus is like, “No. I want a veggie burger with sweet potato fries.”
Satan is like, “Do you want these stones, so that you can turn them into bread?”
Jesus is like, “No, I don’t want the stones. I want the bread, you freakazoid.”
Satan is like, “Do you want… all of this real estate?”
Jesus is like, “Is it made of cinnamon buns? Then, No.”
Satan is like, “Do you want’—?”
Jesus is like, “I want a milkshake!”
Satan is like, showing the ring.
All the angels were like, Head down shaking no “So sad…so sad…”
No Whole Foods in Hell
To Satan’s credit, there is no Whole Foods Market in hell. There’s no fresh organic produce down there. That’s the disadvantage of not being human— is not understanding human needs.
What I want to convey here is that God is God because God is human.
Jesus was hangry. He didn’t want a Tesla. He wanted a bagel.
Satan was like, “I have every world leader and empire builder under my thumb. You snap your fingers, brah, and you can make world peace happen. Don’t you want a Nobel Peace Prize?”
Jesus was like, “I want— LUNCH! Can you understand that?”
Listen to what God wants
Does God want to fight for world peace? I’m sure he does. But what he really needs right now, is a veggie burger, to be honest. I’m sure world peace is important to him, but God is human.
God is human.
In every moment what is much more riveting to God— is to be human with human needs and human desires and human wants and human flaws— It’s much more important to God— to be human than it is to be God.
Satan is like, “You’re God! Don’t you want to be God???”
And Jesus says, “Not even tempted. Right now, I really really really want to be human.
Because the moment I’m God and I have every need fulfilled, I’ll never go hungry again… I will never know… what it feels like to taste a bagel with cream cheese… mmm… after 40 days of starving. And I’m not gonna miss that experience for a plateful of metal and diamonds, that I can’t eat.
Being human— one bagel— is worth more to me, than all your riches and glamour.”
Jesus is essentially saying, “I love being human. Nothing wrong with being God, but the whole point of being God— is to become human.”
Share this post with friends and followers!