Elijah Performs A Miracle
Elijah is like the primo number one prophet of ancient Israel. He is famous for miracles. He is famous for hana mana.
In Elijah’s time, the nation of Israel is ruled by King Ahab who is married to Jezebel— remember Jezebel? Jezebel is wicked.
Miracle season is usually mid-winter when people are freezing cold— and they pick this time of year because it’s nice to have a good miracle to cheer people up. To kick off miracle season, Elijah— whoo hoo— captain of Team Israel— decides to go against King Ahab— captain of Team Ahab.
Team Israel’s mascot is God, who looks like a soft white light of the Holy Spirit descending from heaven.
Team Ahab’s mascot is Baal, who looks like the corona virus— he has multiple horns.
Team Ahab brings 450 priests of their idol, Baal, plus an extra 400 priests. Team Israel only has 1 guy— Elijah. So its’ Elijah against 850 of their guys.
This is what they do. Each team has a big pile of wood. On top of the wood, they have a bull. The bull is passed out. I think they give the bull tequila plus a ton of marijuana cookies, so he’s sedated. Not feeling any pain.
Team Ahab goes first. 850 priests dance and shout all day long— for their god, Baal— to do something, anything. After the whole day goes by— like 12 hours— nothing happens.
When it starts to get dark, Elijah, cracks his neck and he starts to pour water all over his bull and pile of wood. Water everywhere. Then, he kisses his lips, touches the sky— and PHAM!!! WHOOSH!!!!
Fire comes down from heaven and vanquishes the entire pile of wet wood and the bull. Like POOF! Nothing left. Just ashes.
All the people watching were like, “YAY!!!!” Huge miracle. Big win for Team Israel.
Elijah is strutting home, texting his friends, “Hey Josiah, how was the garage sale? Oh, BTW, I just called fire down from the sky.” Then, he uploads some pics on his Instagram page called “Prophet of the Children of God.”
Elijah Has A Sore Back
Then he goes home, goes to sleep and in the morning when he wakes up— oh!!! He can feel that miracle in his lower back. AHH! His lower back. He’s trying to hobble to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
Meanwhile, his phone is blowing up. Everyone is complimenting him on his miracle. His post has 4 million likes.
He posts a selfie. Post miracle morning!!! Then he’s like, “oh crap. Ahhh!!! My back, my back, my back!!”
Elijah Goes To The Chiropractor
Later that morning, Elijah is in his chiropractor’s office and the chiropractor’s inspecting his spine ”How did this happen again?”
Elijah is like “I think when I perform a miracle all this electricity shoots down my arm and… it affects my back.”
Chiropractor says. “Elijah, I told you these miracles are not good for the lumbar curve in your spine— all that voltage puts a lot of pressure on your ribs and your pelvic floor— I mean are receiving 18,000 Jules of God’s grace in very short span of time.”
Elijah is like, “I know. I know. But it’s kinda part of my job.”
His chiropractor is like, “Self care Elijah! It’s your job or your spine. I hope you’re getting paid a ton of shekels for this miracle.”
Elijah’s like, “Well.. prophecy is a volunteer position. I don’t get paid.”
His chiropractor is like, “So this is just for your ego— this miracle work?”
Elijah is like, “Well, I think I’m called to do God’s work.”
The chiropractor asks, “Would God want you to have a broken spine?”
Elijah Has A Tiff With Neighbor
Three days later his neighbor is trimming her hedge and says, “Hey Elijah how are ya doing?”
He’s like, “I have these migraines. I can’t sleep.”
His neighbor is like, “I told you that those miracles are draining. Are you surrounding yourself with a white light of protection?”
Elijah is like, “Listen— it’s 1,000 bolts of lightening going thru my body when I do a miracle. So a condom of white light is not gonna protect me, Nancy!!!!”
Four days ago everyone in ancient Israel loved them sum Elijah. Elijah this, Elijah that— our nation’s hero. But today, on NextDoor.com everyone is sick of his attitude. Nancy said she thought he was gonna pee in her cornflakes.
Someone was like, “Give him a break. He just performed a miracle.”
The neighbors were like, “That’s no excuse for his attitude.”
I mean, every time that man does another miracle— he’s hobbling down this road with a migraine and a sore back.
“You know what? If it hurts your back so much? Stop doing miracles!”
You Are Elijah
Have you ever heard this from people?
If you’re gonna complain about being a saint, about saving humanity, about how sore your back is every time you perform miracles— then stop being a saint, stop saving people, stop performing miracles. No one asked you to do it. Even if they did and they appreciate it, look at you— you’re obviously in pain.
And instead of praise and gratitude, people start criticizing you for:
- Your kindness
- Your compassion
- Your positivity and light, and love
- And for helping others who don’t deserve your help
Are they right or are they wrong? Because yes you are a saint. Yes, you are doing God’s work.
But yes, you are also in pain as a result of your goodness.
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