Samson Meets God for a Beer in Heaven

Samson Goes to Heaven and has a Beer with God

Samson’s soul leaves his body and goes to heaven. When he gets there, God is waiting at the Pearly Gates.

God says, “You’re early!”

Samson scratches his back immediately, feels a sense of shame about how he died. God reads his mind.

God says, “Remember I told you about your backstabbing girlfriend? They call her Double D Delilah for a reason. Double dirty.”

Samson replies, “D-d-d-on’t. Okay, Dad?” Samson calls God his dad.

God hands him a cold beer and gives him a hug. 

They sit down on a cloud to contemplate cuz Samson’s not ready to go through the pearly gates yet. He’s still thinking, “Why was I such an idiot?”

Finally, after a few gulps of beer, he says to God… “I was raised in the desert. I had all these raging hormones and the first girl I see— has these humongo— I got tunnel vision. It hit me.”

God says “What hit you?”

Samson says, “I’ve been hit by canon balls, by spears, by chariots, by speeding camels, by armies of men beating down on me and I beat them all back. I pulverized them. You can bring an army against me and…”

God says, “I warned you. I said ‘Power is not the most powerful thing in the world. Love is.'”

Samson says, “There I was… the strongest man on earth. And instead of being powerful— one look at her— and I became powerless. I felt my heart squeeze and then I got down on one knee, just because…”

God says “Well, you’re here now. Let’s go inside.” God points to the gates of heaven.

Samson says “Wait! That’s it? You send me one chick who’s hot and here I am? Dead?”

God replies, “It’s not the big things that kill ya, Sammy. Not a nuclear bomb, not the military, not war. It’s a 5 foot 2, double D cup, strawberry blonde. It’s always the small things that will kill ya. Small things that will save ya. The road to heaven is paved with a million small baby steps.”

Samson responds, “Wait! You prepared me my whole life— to conquer any force that comes against me. Why did I lose?”

God says, “Because it’s the human impulse to lose… not to win. You fall in love, Sammy, you don’t climb it.”

Samson says: “What? My whole life was win after win after win. I was a WINNER. You never trained me to be a loser, so I didn’t know how to deal with losing when it started happening.”

God’s like, “It is godlike to win. It is human to lose. My mistake, Sammy. I trained you how to be a god. I didn’t realize that there was still an impulse within you that longed to be human, as well as a god. You’re more like me than I realize, Sammy. You’re just like dad.”

Samson says “What are you talking about?”

God explains, “It’s important. Now I know! I didn’t know because it’s still early in the development of the human race— but I’m learning. Both you and me, Sammy— like father like son— apple don’t fall far from the tree.”

Samson says “What are you saying?”

God says “I trained you to be a superhero, a god, a leader. Just like dear old dad. I forgot about training you how to be a human being, a lover, a follower. When I saw you following her around like a puppy dog, I realized my mistake—

As a God, the divine impulse within you wants to rise. 

As a human, the impulse within you wants to fall… in love.

Samson asks “Why?”

God says “To co-create. To do it all over again and be new again, to live life a second time through the eyes of your beloved, your pet, or your child. The newness of life is the doorway to wonder.

The secret to being a creator, godlike, powerful— is knowing everything. 

The secret to being a co-creator, human being— is knowing nothing.

You knew nothing of Delilah when you saw her. And you fell into wonder and curiosity. You were her blank canvas, she could paint any fantasy onto you. And you longed to fulfill her vision of you.”

Samson asks, “Why didn’t you stop me?”

“I tried, but Sammy—”

“Yeah, dad?”

God continues, “When you held up those pillars of the temple, and the Bible says it was because I gave you one last surge of strength— I wasn’t using the power of power— to power your muscles. I was using the power of love. 

All those years you were a hero— because you were a god. 

In that last hour of your life— you were a hero because you were human.

You’ve always pressured yourself to be strong. Mistake. You should practice being weak every now and then. You suck at being weak. And it smoked you. First time out of the gate— being weak— you got clobbered. 

Being weak is a skill like any other. There’s an art to it. Delilah is a master at it. She used her weakness to overpower your strength. 

Being a god is over-rated. Learning how to be human is what will save you in the end.

When you’re someone’s god, you become their slave. They worship you, so you have to always look good, watch how many carbs you eat, cuz you can’t get fat, or old. You have to always be nice. You aren’t allowed to cuss. You have to be Mr. Perfect, 100% of the time. You’re a slave to people’s image of you. You’re not free. You have to stand up on that pedestal and smile 24 hours a day. 

When you’re someone’s human, you become real. 

If you were human to Delilah, not just a god, she would’ve hesitated before betraying you.

When you’re a god, it gives people the right to hate you.

When you’re human, it gives people the choice to love you. 

Stop trying to be a saint, Samson. Stop trying to be worshiped. That was never the goal of your life or your calling. 

Start being human. Start being loved. That’s the dream of your soul

The dream of your soul is always human, to be as human as possible. It’s never about being a god. Because gods don’t live in this world. 

The dream of your soul lives in this world. The dream of your soul is about you. It’s never about who someone else wants you to be. 

You spent your whole life, Samson, relying on your hair. 

The last moment of your life, you relied on yourself without your hair. 

The part of me that lives inside of you— is not your hair. 

Your hair might have given you external might and power. But the strength you needed to bring down the house of the Philistines the last day of your life was strength that came from you. It was the strength needed to humble yourself and become equal with your fellow man, in life and in death. 

The greatest strength is not strength. It is humility. 

The dream of your ego is to be a national hero, the strongest man to ever live. 

The dream of your soul is to be humble, because then, you’ll be stronger than the strongest man to ever live… which is a woman. Clearly, cuz Delilah smoked your ass!”

Samson begs God, “Please tell me how to live the dream of my soul, to be stronger than I’ve ever been!”

God says, “Look me in the eyes. Repeat after me, ‘I am not my hair. I am more than my hair.'”

Samson is like, “Uh, okay. But it’s going to grow back, right? Like I’m not going to have alopecia and be bald for eternity. As soon as we go through those gates, my hair is just gonna go grow right back, right? Down to my waist? Yes? Because I can say it, ‘I’m more than my hair,’ but it’s definitely gonna grow back right? Do you wanna touch my scalp and bless it, maybe do a miracle so my hair grows back? Huh? Whaddoo ya think? Yes? Yes? Is that a yes?”

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